And so, here it goes….
Just a few months ago, I had a 5-year plan. It included growing a business, making a ton of money, and traveling with my husband.
I had come to this place in my forties where it felt like the dust from the past had settled and the pain from my thirties was healed. My sons were grown and all had turned out just fine.
I had plans. I thought God was included in them. In fact, I was convinced he was orchestrating it all from heaven above.
Life was good.
Then after a trip to the weight loss doctor where I would finally get my 21-year-old body back, I was given some very unexpected news.
I am pregnant.
WHAT?! How can this be?
We haven’t been pregnant in 17 years!
My husband’s procrastination to get a vasectomy was the norm year after year, yet I wasn’t concerned with a pregnancy at my age. In fact, I thought I was simply premenopausal.
Well to make a long story short, my plans were derailed in ways I never imagined.
My body felt like it had been abducted and hormones ruled my every move. At 4 weeks, I became paralyzed with nausea and fatigue and I had no thinking power to work.
I cried in frustration over my inability to control my body. I hunched over the toilet morning and night and I binge watched 6 seasons of a TV show that required no thinking at all.
I had no real emotion. I wasn’t happy or sad I was just not myself. Perhaps, I was in a state of shock for a few weeks, but either way I didn’t have much to give anyone when they asked how I felt.
I was smart enough to know it was only hormones and I would soon be back to normal. But what would my normal be now?
Confused about everything that I thought I knew, I prayed. And I prayed and I prayed.
And in prayer, I was still. So still he said, “Do nothing.”
I cried out, “Nothing? How do I do nothing? I work 16 hours a day and I have a business to build!”
He replied, “Do nothing.”
I was left confused, as he was very clear in my stillness.
He didn’t ask me to be still, he required it of me. My body required it too and so even if I wanted to rebel, I didn’t have it in me.
So, I was still and for 15 weeks I did much of nothing. I left the house for no more than two hours if I left and that was rare and I worked 5 hours a day instead of 16 hours.
Claudia, as I knew her was no longer here.
She disappeared overnight.
I had to process so many things, including the reactions I received from some. Most of who I told have been overjoyed beyond belief, so much I felt guilty as first for not being as happy them!
Of course I was happy about a baby, but the thought of my body being abducted for 9 months… well that was just a tough pill to swallow. I hope it’s okay to be honest.
You could’ve dropped off ten little humans at my door and I would bring them in and raise them, but to be pregnant and feel all that I felt in such a short period of time? Well, that was a different story.
Some of what I dealt with when announcing my pregnancy were comments like:
Isn’t that irresponsible to get pregnant at this age?
This was not part of the plan.
Why would you do that?
I would shoot myself if I got pregnant at our age.
Oh, I am so sorry.
Did you want to be pregnant this old?
Yup, some didn’t hold back. It was astonishing. But the hundreds of well wishes surpassed those who couldn’t keep their honesty to themselves.
The best response to my pregnancy was, “God is giving you una vida nueva (a new life), new dreams, new desires, and your youth will be renewed…just wait you will see!”
Wow. That was the best word. Thank you to my Tia Lupe.
Along with the good, I also had to deal with some guilt.
See, we have plenty of friends who have been trying for years to conceive and here I am out of no painful IVF treatments or years of trying, with child.
It was hard for me to tell these friends who had been trying. I was careful and cautious, hoping not to hurt them and yet their responses were kind and unselfish. They were all super happy for us and I even had some say we gave them hope!
Wow. We gave them hope. That was unexpected, yet so beautiful to hear.
After the noise settled. I had to deal with the noise in my head, like statistics of high risk and the worry of bringing a baby into this world when it’s getting crazier.
I had to pray through the battle in my head that said: what if you get super happy and it doesn’t make it? What if you love, only to lose?
It all came flying in and yet, there was always that constant voice that said, “It is well.”
I was to be still and in it all I found out, it is well with my soul.
In our thirties, I wanted dearly to have more kids and a girl would’ve been nice of course, but life was hard and as we recovered from our twenties we were not in any position to bring in more kids. And well, my husband had said no over and over again. The answer was no.
My joke with him was always, “You never gave me my girl. I know I had one in me!” He would laugh and then say, “Sorry”.
To our surprise as we were preparing to become empty nesters, God gave me the desire of my heart. Sure, it wasn’t a desire I had in my forties but nonetheless it was there all along.
Sunday, I turned 44 and today I found out that this precious baby is a girl!
And I must say, it truly is well with my soul.